I have figured out that I have to go my own pace. I shouldn't do things just because I am being pressured into doing them. I shouldn't just suck it up because people may be tired of hearing me whine and complain about moving. I have to move my own pace. If that pace is the speed of a snail then so be it. Some days my mind is racing with thoughts and emotions that going slow is my only option. I have to take each negative thought that pops into my head and throw it out the window. I have to take it and push it out of my mind and that sometimes takes me all day to do that to just one negative thought. So, I have to go my own pace and that pace right now is slow.
Everybody tells me that I have to move on and accept the fact that my new home is in Cincinnati. They are right but they never have an answer for me on how to move on. That is really challenging as a teenager. I want the answer right now. I think we all have our own secrets to moving on in life and letting go. Mine sometimes is totally submerging myself in Alternative music or maybe it is just as simple as going out with a new friend here, whatever it is...it takes time. Some people can move on fast while others take a longer time to accept their new normal. What is my pace? It is dead slow and I am not afraid to admit it. I have no clue when I will be fully happy and okay with all the changes I am living through each day but I do know I am not going to rush it. I am going to wake up everyday and go my pace and be alright that. I am the one that has to move on and accept. I am the one that has to go to school everyday and try to talk to somebody new. I am the one that has to jump out there in the scary situations and trust that God is watching over me. I am the one that has to go my pace.
So, today as I type this I am feeling a bunch of things. I feel homesickness, I feel sadness, I feel worried, I feel stressed but I also feel anxious for what the future holds. Nobody ever tells you how to cope with all these feelings. To be honest, sometimes on my way to school I release everything inside of me to my steering wheel. Then, when I finally arrive at school I walk in ready to conquer the day.
Sometimes people don't understand how hard it is to get through each day. I work really hard to keep my thoughts of Memphis to a minimum and to think positive thoughts. It is really hard and what people need to understand is that by the time I lay my head on my pillow at night I am mentally and emotionally worn out. Just like I charge my phone every night I charge my mind and heart every night and hope that by the morning they are ready to take on the day!
My friends are not conquering the challenges that I have each day for me. My friends are not walking into my new school with me. I am. I am having to do these things so, why should I go the speed somebody is telling me to go? I am going the speed that fits me. My speed may be slow but each day I end up going farther than I was the day before.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Refocus
For some reason this week has been just okay. I have had several triggers that bring me back to Memphis and the pain that comes with it. Personally, I can just get really down about the whole moving situation. I can get depressed. I sometimes get to the point that giving up just seems a 1000 times better than pushing through the weirdness, pain, and hard times. I will flat out admit that giving up can sound good to me. So, today I went the counselor to talk. These wonderful talks really help me. He allows me to get everything off my chest and then we look together at how we can conquer and move past this. I have learned that I am setting too high of expectations on myself. I am putting time limits on everything. In my world, I thought I would have my best friend picked out by now and I thought I would be able to call Kentucky home by now. Well, guess what? That isn't reality. I feel like I let myself down and my friends back in Memphis down when I can't meet these guide lines I have set for myself.
The first thing that the counselor told me to do was to just say that this move has been hard. Let it out Maggie.
So, here I go....
This has been the hardest thing I have done. I wake up wishing I was in Memphis. I get sad, depressed, and lonely at times. I want my "normal" back. I still wonder "Why?" I have struggled to accept this move.
There we go. It is all out on the table, raw emotions. I know I am too hard on myself and I know it takes time to accept and move on but I am not believing it. Let me explain, I want to move on and accept, I really do. I know that moving on will be good for me. One problem, I am not believing it. I need to believe that I could actually love it here and I need to believe that this will eventually feel like home.
I have learned a lot from this move. I have learned that life is going to be hard. You can hide from your challenges and your struggles or you can get up every single day and do the best to take on those challenges. I try my best. I fail some days and conquer others. I need to cut myself some slack.
It is a challenge everyday but I am beyond ready to start thinking positive and moving on. I love Memphis and I don't think it could ever be replaced. I will always remember it and always come to eat some ribs :)
Some times we get on a good track and then swerve a little bit off that track. Don't worry, you just need to refocus and start chugging along the good path again. It isn't easy but nothing is impossible.
The first thing that the counselor told me to do was to just say that this move has been hard. Let it out Maggie.
So, here I go....
This has been the hardest thing I have done. I wake up wishing I was in Memphis. I get sad, depressed, and lonely at times. I want my "normal" back. I still wonder "Why?" I have struggled to accept this move.
There we go. It is all out on the table, raw emotions. I know I am too hard on myself and I know it takes time to accept and move on but I am not believing it. Let me explain, I want to move on and accept, I really do. I know that moving on will be good for me. One problem, I am not believing it. I need to believe that I could actually love it here and I need to believe that this will eventually feel like home.
I have learned a lot from this move. I have learned that life is going to be hard. You can hide from your challenges and your struggles or you can get up every single day and do the best to take on those challenges. I try my best. I fail some days and conquer others. I need to cut myself some slack.
It is a challenge everyday but I am beyond ready to start thinking positive and moving on. I love Memphis and I don't think it could ever be replaced. I will always remember it and always come to eat some ribs :)
Some times we get on a good track and then swerve a little bit off that track. Don't worry, you just need to refocus and start chugging along the good path again. It isn't easy but nothing is impossible.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Is there a cure?
Is there a cure for homesickness? Is there a cure for missing somebody? Is there a cure for sadness? If you know of somebody who has a cure, let me know as soon as possible! Please!!
I have been having really good days lately and I am very blessed for that but for some reason at night time is when it all hits me. As I lay in my bed it smacks me in the face that I am missing so many people. I am missing my church, my pink room at 5247 Jon Oak, my parking buddy at school, and the list goes on and on...
Night time is when it all comes crashing to me. I never got to see my favorite people today, I never walked the halls of my favorite school, and I never pulled into the driveway of my Arlington house that I loved dearly. Deep down in my heart I think I know the cure to all my homesickness. I am just afraid to admit it. Moving on and acceptance will cure me and heal my heart. Everyday that is my goal and I strive to meet that goal. It is hard. It is really hard to go through the motions of your new life when you never wanted to give up your old one. If I had it my way I would have moved back the day I moved to Kentucky. :) I want people to understand that I have good days but that never takes away the pain of moving. The pain I have when I see my friend's Facebook photos, the pain of knowing I am not in my beloved St. Paul on Sunday mornings, and the pain of knowing somebody else is sleeping in my pink room on 5247 Jon Oak Rd. Will this pain ever go away or will it ever become easier to cope with? I know it will. It has to.
As I type this, I am really missing my Memphis life. I want it back. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed and feel it everyday but I am struggling with "Why?"
Why a third time God? Wasn't two already enough? I know I have to let go and that is what I want to do more than anything but I still feel like I am grieving. I still lay in my bed at night with my Ipod playing and look out my window and just think of Memphis.
Tonight, I am suffering from homesickness. I am missing my home. The ironic thing is, I am in my home. Sitting in it right now, it just doesn't feel that way. I can't wait for the day that I can call it home.
Miss all my Memphis peeps to Kentucky and back!
I have been having really good days lately and I am very blessed for that but for some reason at night time is when it all hits me. As I lay in my bed it smacks me in the face that I am missing so many people. I am missing my church, my pink room at 5247 Jon Oak, my parking buddy at school, and the list goes on and on...
Night time is when it all comes crashing to me. I never got to see my favorite people today, I never walked the halls of my favorite school, and I never pulled into the driveway of my Arlington house that I loved dearly. Deep down in my heart I think I know the cure to all my homesickness. I am just afraid to admit it. Moving on and acceptance will cure me and heal my heart. Everyday that is my goal and I strive to meet that goal. It is hard. It is really hard to go through the motions of your new life when you never wanted to give up your old one. If I had it my way I would have moved back the day I moved to Kentucky. :) I want people to understand that I have good days but that never takes away the pain of moving. The pain I have when I see my friend's Facebook photos, the pain of knowing I am not in my beloved St. Paul on Sunday mornings, and the pain of knowing somebody else is sleeping in my pink room on 5247 Jon Oak Rd. Will this pain ever go away or will it ever become easier to cope with? I know it will. It has to.
As I type this, I am really missing my Memphis life. I want it back. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed and feel it everyday but I am struggling with "Why?"
Why a third time God? Wasn't two already enough? I know I have to let go and that is what I want to do more than anything but I still feel like I am grieving. I still lay in my bed at night with my Ipod playing and look out my window and just think of Memphis.
Tonight, I am suffering from homesickness. I am missing my home. The ironic thing is, I am in my home. Sitting in it right now, it just doesn't feel that way. I can't wait for the day that I can call it home.
Miss all my Memphis peeps to Kentucky and back!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Normal
This weekend felt normal. This weekend we had our wonderful Memphis friends in town for a full, fun packed visit! It felt normal being with people who knew you. It felt normal to talk about past memories and laugh out loud about them. It felt normal. This feeling is kinda hard to find right now. Everything is so new, strange, and scary that normal isn't going to be in my vocabulary for a little while longer. This weekend was a much needed break. I felt like I smiled a true smile this weekend, surrounded by yummy food and even more amazing company this weekend will be one to remember forever. Thank you Bingham's!
I got my Sophomore year book this weekend. I was thrilled to look through it and see all my friends but little did I know...it would make me sad more than happy. Reading the sweet messages that my friends wrote and seeing the high school that I still love to death was almost like a set back. I am hanging out with people, getting involved, and cheering for the Ryle High Raiders on Friday night and started to put missing Memphis in the back of my mind. It doesn't hurt as much and I started to feel accepted. Sure, it still feels weird but that is a feeling that I have become accustomed to. This past Friday night, looking through my yearbook set me back a little bit. All of the sudden, my aches and pains of moving were sitting in my lap. The reality of my Junior yearbook saying Ryle High instead of Arlington High was real and true Friday night. I have come to the realization that moving on may not be totally real. Yes, I will learn to love Kentucky, I will call people BFF's here, and I will eventually be proud to be a Ryle High Raider but I will also have moments that remind me of Memphis. Looking at a picture, visiting Memphis, or even talking on the phone to a friend may set me back. It set me back and made me look at my reality. My reality of being over 400 miles away from something that I love. Moving on is hard and I always think there will be a piece of my heart that will never move on. It is a teeny tiny small part but I can feel it big time when I am reminded of Memphis.
I think people move on but I don't think they will ever move on from the fact that their new reality wasn't what they had in mind. I will accept that I have moved but I honestly don't know if I can move on from the heartache that I have when I think Memphis. That heartache will ease and become less heart wrenching but it will always be there. Life is hard and complicated but knowing that God is on my side is very comforting. He knows me and he knows when I will move on and he knows that my life in Cincinnati is going to be great.
Everybody has setbacks. How you get up and react after those set backs is what sets us apart and makes all the difference!
The Kelly sisters have taken over Cincinnati :)
Loved having the Bingham's!!
Love these guys!
I got my Sophomore year book this weekend. I was thrilled to look through it and see all my friends but little did I know...it would make me sad more than happy. Reading the sweet messages that my friends wrote and seeing the high school that I still love to death was almost like a set back. I am hanging out with people, getting involved, and cheering for the Ryle High Raiders on Friday night and started to put missing Memphis in the back of my mind. It doesn't hurt as much and I started to feel accepted. Sure, it still feels weird but that is a feeling that I have become accustomed to. This past Friday night, looking through my yearbook set me back a little bit. All of the sudden, my aches and pains of moving were sitting in my lap. The reality of my Junior yearbook saying Ryle High instead of Arlington High was real and true Friday night. I have come to the realization that moving on may not be totally real. Yes, I will learn to love Kentucky, I will call people BFF's here, and I will eventually be proud to be a Ryle High Raider but I will also have moments that remind me of Memphis. Looking at a picture, visiting Memphis, or even talking on the phone to a friend may set me back. It set me back and made me look at my reality. My reality of being over 400 miles away from something that I love. Moving on is hard and I always think there will be a piece of my heart that will never move on. It is a teeny tiny small part but I can feel it big time when I am reminded of Memphis.
I think people move on but I don't think they will ever move on from the fact that their new reality wasn't what they had in mind. I will accept that I have moved but I honestly don't know if I can move on from the heartache that I have when I think Memphis. That heartache will ease and become less heart wrenching but it will always be there. Life is hard and complicated but knowing that God is on my side is very comforting. He knows me and he knows when I will move on and he knows that my life in Cincinnati is going to be great.
Everybody has setbacks. How you get up and react after those set backs is what sets us apart and makes all the difference!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Acceptance
Hello all my Memphis friends and family!!
I hope ya'll have been enjoying cooler weather! We sure have!
I have come to a conclusion. In the dictionary the word acceptance has three different meanings but the one that I love is agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation. People tell me all the time to accept but what do they really mean? Will I ever be able to truly accept the reality of no longer living in Memphis? Will I 100% accept this move? I honestly don't have an answer for that but I have come to the conclusion that accepting doesn't just mean moving on it is greater than that. It means that you have come to terms with the fact that you may never fully accept your new reality. There was something special with Memphis. I felt so loved and wanted there. Yes, the humidity made your hair a big frizz ball but the BBQ totally made up for it. I miss Memphis everyday, even on my best days. I have accepted that my new reality will consist of me always missing Memphis and the wonderful southern people living there. Acceptance doesn't mean I have to forget about my past, but it means accepting the new life I have been handed. It is a hard thing to do, accept, but it isn't impossible.
I will always be a Kansas girl by blood but I am a Memphis girl by heart and will always be a Memphis girl. I love Memphis everyday. I am learning to accept the fact that everyday I will miss Memphis!!
Miss ya'll!! :)
I hope ya'll have been enjoying cooler weather! We sure have!
I have come to a conclusion. In the dictionary the word acceptance has three different meanings but the one that I love is agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation. People tell me all the time to accept but what do they really mean? Will I ever be able to truly accept the reality of no longer living in Memphis? Will I 100% accept this move? I honestly don't have an answer for that but I have come to the conclusion that accepting doesn't just mean moving on it is greater than that. It means that you have come to terms with the fact that you may never fully accept your new reality. There was something special with Memphis. I felt so loved and wanted there. Yes, the humidity made your hair a big frizz ball but the BBQ totally made up for it. I miss Memphis everyday, even on my best days. I have accepted that my new reality will consist of me always missing Memphis and the wonderful southern people living there. Acceptance doesn't mean I have to forget about my past, but it means accepting the new life I have been handed. It is a hard thing to do, accept, but it isn't impossible.
I will always be a Kansas girl by blood but I am a Memphis girl by heart and will always be a Memphis girl. I love Memphis everyday. I am learning to accept the fact that everyday I will miss Memphis!!
Miss ya'll!! :)
Monday, September 5, 2011
two months
The Kelly's have been in Kentucky for two months. Honestly, for me it feels like we have been here for two years :) I have come to the conclusion that it is going to take some time to really be at peace with the move. I have been told countless times that I need to move on and accept it and that is 100% true but I have to go my own pace. Everyday, I get a little better and smile a little more. That day could be one of the worst days ever but I still think I move a little closer to acceptance and peace. I am not perfect, I have no clue if I am handling all these new changes right but what I do know is that I try my best everyday. Some days may not look like I do but deep deep down inside of me I do try. Moving isn't easy and I still think I am better off in Memphis but I have figured out it is only hurting me by looking back at the closed door instead of the open one right in front of my face. Trust me, it is right in FRONT of my face. I try to keep it all together and show to people that I can handle this but deep down inside of me I am crumbling. I can't do this alone, that is where friends come into play. I have some amazing ones and don't think I can say THANK YOU enough to them and to my beloved Memphis family. On my bad days, I smile just thinking that I am engulfed in love miles away. The feeling is pretty amazing.
I try everyday to have a smiling day and if that day isn't a smiling day it is ok. I will pick myself up and keep on walking. I will keep on walking to acceptance and peace. I will make it there, it may not be today or tomorrow but it will be one day. :)
Miss every single one of my Memphis friends and families <3 Hope all is well!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Free
Happy THREE day weekend!!
Gotta love bug rides
Max lets himself really embrace the wind ;)
This week I feel free. I feel like I have put my lowest moments behind me and I can only go up from here. Yes, I will still have those heart wrenching days where I only think about Memphis but I truly believe that the worst days are behind me. I try my hardest to start each day of with a smile and a positive attitude. I really love the quote "Your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn." I can't help but to smile every time I read it! Yes, I will still have bad days but I am going to embrace those days because when I do have a day where I am smiling from ear to ear I will appreciate it 100 times more!
I am ready to start my uphill hike to acceptance. I truly feel ready and I never thought I would say that. So, God...I am finally ready to start my walk to more smiling days!
Have a great Friday ya'll! :) Miss you!!!
This week I feel free. I feel like I have put my lowest moments behind me and I can only go up from here. Yes, I will still have those heart wrenching days where I only think about Memphis but I truly believe that the worst days are behind me. I try my hardest to start each day of with a smile and a positive attitude. I really love the quote "Your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn." I can't help but to smile every time I read it! Yes, I will still have bad days but I am going to embrace those days because when I do have a day where I am smiling from ear to ear I will appreciate it 100 times more!
I am ready to start my uphill hike to acceptance. I truly feel ready and I never thought I would say that. So, God...I am finally ready to start my walk to more smiling days!
Have a great Friday ya'll! :) Miss you!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)