One big step

In my opinion I took a really big step this week. I wasn't expecting this step at all but it was a much needed step. For the holiday we went up to our beloved home state of Kansas. Thanksgiving was great, filled with yummy food, laughs and of course late nights. It felt really good to see blood relatives and just be back in grandma's kitchen. As the days progressed in Kansas I noticed a new feeling. A feeling I had never had before. 

I missed my home in Kentucky. I missed my Kentucky friends. I missed Kentucky. 

Have you ever heard me say that before? NO. This was the first time. 

I had to leave the state to realize that I actually liked it and maybe just maybe realize, God knows what he is doing. I miss Memphis every second of every day and that right there is hard but this miss was a little different. This miss pain made me smile. It made me realize that the friendships that I am building are strong. It made me realize that I love my Kentucky home and it made me realize that Kentucky has some awesome opportunities in store for me. 

Now, when I start feeling these happy feelings a little voice inside of me goes off and says "Well, what about Memphis??" and then I disregard the happy feeling and dive into the pain of missing my friends and that lip smacking good barbecue. But, this time was different, I told that voice that I will always love Memphis and embraced these new Kentucky feelings. It was a big step for me. I told myself to be happy instead of sad. It was hard but so has everything else involving the move. The holidays make me miss Memphis more but it also make me excited for what the wonderful state of Kentucky has to bring for holidays. 

In my crazy head the road to acceptance and letting go is like the board to the game Candy Land. The trail is pieced together with small individual squares all connected to one common destination. I am trucking along on that path and well you better bet I just took a step. A step involving a jump of a few squares. Not just one. I am not there yet but getting there and that makes me smile. So, day by day I am walking on that colorful path....and it is starting to look up. 

I still have days where I long for a hug from a good southern friend in Memphis or to walk down the hallways and smell the coffee at my amazing church but I have to pace myself. Those days will come when I visit. Right now I need to roll down the windows and let that good ol' Kentucky air blow through my car, take in all my new sweet friends at Young Life and enjoy the view outside my bedroom window. 

As the counselor asks me every week, "How do you feel right now?" Well, my answer is simply...content. I am content with this smile on my face and content with the Candy Land path that God put me on in Kentucky. God, what else do you have in store? :) 

Hope your Thanksgiving was filled with yummy food and a satisfied belly :) 

Thankful

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and it has me thinking of some things. There is a part of my body that is forever thankful of the thousands of blessings I have but there is a part of my heart that longs to be in Memphis for thanksgiving. I miss my friends, all I want to do is see them and give them a hug. As I look back at these past 4 months I see multiple things. I see hardships, tears, anger, laughs, smiles, and love. I am thankful for all those emotions, the good and the bad. 


I still struggle to this day with the thought of moving. It makes me mad actually. I was ripped from my comfort zone. I was ripped from everything and everybody I loved. That makes me mad. I am so thankful, hands down but, I miss Memphis and still want it back at times. My heart aches for Memphis. It hurts and it is so hard at times. So hard. 


How do you control these thoughts? How do you be thankful for what you have at this very moment. 


You push it aside. You look at the friends sitting beside you. You look at the family hugging you. You look at the house you live in. You look at the car you drive, clothes on your back, and the food in your stomach. You look at your blessings right in front of your eyes. For me, this helps. It makes me smile. 


This thanksgiving I have a lot to be thankful for. I consider myself very blessed. I look at where we were 4 months ago and I smile. We have all come far. This thanksgiving, I am giving thanks for the all the new things in my life. The new experience, memories, moments, laughs, and smiles. 


I still struggle with the move every single day. Some worse than others but, I still struggle with it. I have this big urge to see my friends. Four months is a long time and I miss them all so much. So much. It really hurts my heart but I am learning how to cope with that. Some days will be bad and others will be great. Just take it day by day and do the best you can. I can do it. I can. It just takes time. I know it will still take time. 


So, I take a deep breath on the bad days and put a smile on my face on the great days. I am so blessed with the wonderful friends I have in Memphis. I love them all. I am also very thankful for my new Kentucky friends, I love them as well. :) 


Happy Thanksgiving y'all! I am blessed to have you in my life :) 

Change is constant

Our lives are always changing. The one thing that is constant in this world is change. Change can be really crappy at times but it can also surprise you. I really struggle with change. Yes, it has been over 4 months since the big move but I am still not completely okay with it. At times it is hard for my friends to understand that. What they don't understand is that, I never expected this big change in my life. 

But, when do we really ever expect big change to happen? We don't. We think we are prepared and are all ready to take it down but in reality you feel like your crumbling inside. At least that is how I feel half of the time. Change is good. I have been blessed with new friends and experiences that I would never have been able to hold dear to my heart if I still lived in Memphis. I remind myself of that everyday, and I always smile thinking about it. :)  

I struggle with my mind. It is my biggest and strongest enemy. My heart is really starting to love Kentucky but my mind is telling me different things. I am afraid that once I really and truly let go of Memphis, I will never get it back. I am afraid that I am replacing Memphis.  I am afraid of calling Kentucky home. What will Memphis be when I call Kentucky home?  I am afraid. 

I struggle with my mind everyday and sometimes I take it down and other days my mind wins big time. I do feel ashamed when my mind wins. It gets the best of me sometimes. I have to work on, getting up from that. I get so mad at myself when I am sad or depressed. In my head, I think I should be over this. It is just a move. Big deal. 

But, then I think...Maggie stop beating yourself up. This is big. You moved hours away. The last 4 months have been nothing but change and you can do it. Don't worry about people think, worry on a better tomorrow and work on smiling more. 

Great pep talk, huh? :) Moving does suck but for the first time ever I am starting to see the greatness of moving. I really am. It is this special feeling I get and it emerges me. Lately, I get it when I am with the girls that I am loving more and more everyday. I like to call them my new best friends. I get this feeling when I am at Young Life and am surrounded by what I once called strangers but can now call them friends. I get this feeling that is absolutely wonderful when I am laughing my head off and have the biggest smile across my face. I take a look around and see that I am with people that I love and that I honestly am so thankful for meeting. These feelings are amazing. I crave them and when they happen I tuck them away and pull them out to cheer me up on a depressed day. 

Today is one of those days y'all. They come and go but it still doesn't mean that I am not improving. 

My goals:

1. to stop beating myself up

2. to breathe and smile

3. to award myself, I have come far

It is a small list but very challenging. I know I can do it. It may not be easy (I already know that!!) but, it is possible. I was told today something that really made me smile. Memphis can never really be taken away from me. It is a part of me and the cool thing is, Kentucky is becoming part of me now too. :)